Days of Late

March 6, 2012. 4AM. The phone rings. A call you never want to get. 

I just don’t know any more. My focus is gone. My direction is all and is therefore none. I am reconsidering everything from the ground up. 

Losing Uncle Mike, Papa 2, has really thrown me for a loop. A loop that I am pretending is not there. I am in a hole. I am sad. I am lonely. Friends are all around and I still stare vacantly into abyss that I am still trying to realize and process. I still can’t comprehend all that has happened since March 6^th. 

The last thing I feel Papa 2 would want me to do is let this derail from me from all the progress he was so proud of. I miss his hugs. I miss his affirmation and encouragement. I miss being able to share my excitement and growth. I miss his laugh. I miss his jokes and his sick loving torture. I miss watching Two and a Half Men and eating cake. I miss church in the garage. 

When I look at my life from the outside, it looks like it is coming together. I have the better job, the better clothes, and lots of other stuff that I had set my mind on achieving. Now that I have it I am not sure what I want. My heart yearns for family. 

I am starting to question whether or not I set my mind and efforts on getting everything but what I need the most. I am questioning location which makes me question God which makes me question why I am questioning God. 

Distance. I feel distant. Detached. Am I detaching myself? I need to re-assess why I am here and come up with a damn good answer before I put my mind on getting a house. I still think in my mind that I need to keep moving forward here but in my heart the minute I get the out to go to Chicago or Phoenix I am out of here. My heart and my mind are in conflict. This is my dilemma. 

What am I scared of? What am I holding on to? What is here?

I felt warmer and fuzzier in the hour in Atlanta with Papa Rick than I have in months or years, if ever, in Tucson.  I miss church body. I feel disconnected from the body. I don’t feel welcome in the body I once called church. I am lost. I am wandering and getting into trouble. All I really want is a hug and to cry on someone’s shoulder. 

God please help. I am grateful for all that you have blessed me with. I desperately want to regain momentum and continue living out the vision. Buying a house isn’t out of the question. I would love to settle down. I would love to be Uncle Nate to Jenna and Melissa’s new family. I cry for contact. I cry to belong. The few I have are pretty darn great. The few I have are what I am holding on to here.   

Help me God to be content and grateful. Help me through this period of feeling like stretch Armstrong. Help me focus and give me purpose when all I want to do is throw in the towel. The vision is still in sight. Please recalibrate it to my own sight instead of looking at it from the outside.

The Final Hours

Tis a glorious end to my career at Target 855. I am sad to leave the people, and even a little sad to leave the work. Cosmetics looks damn good. I almost cried today. I wonder if I will cry tomorrow. When did I become such a a sap? Over Target?

I’ve worked with some really great people. The winds of change are in the air. Everyone seems to be parting ways at the same time, confirming that it’s time for me to move. This is so natural. I’ve been released. Like Ben said… NEVER LOOK BACK. 

 

I haven’t been so excited to go on vacation since I was a little kid. I get to play. People don’t play enough. I get to see shiny cars and go to the big city. Why don't people not play more? Why do they talk themselves out of playing? Work is great, but work is not life. 

I’ve had restless nights overcome by the excitement that my life is filled with. I jump and scream and sing and shout. I have the best family!! I will be in Chicago in 36 hours!! YAYYYY!!!!!

I’m not even nervous about the new position. I’m going to learn this and own this and rock this. 

I have learned to live, and that’s more important than any job.

Shift

There was a point in time that I am trying to pinpoint. For the longest time I felt like I was going through Tucson as an observer. Everything was not as it should be relative to what I grew up with. Phoenix had always been my benchmark, so therefore; everything was relatively foreign.

Then a shift occurred. Tucson has become natural. I feel like I know the intricacies of Tucson and don’t look at it like a tourist. I can give you first had experiential information about this place. At some point, it became the new standard. Nothing looks weird. I must have come to accept this place for what it is, for better or for worse. 

Dammit Tucson, you got a hold of me. I wasn’t one of those you let escape after school to move on to something glitzier and more glamorous. I aspired to the big city. Chicago. Phoenix. Anywhere but here. Well… this became home. God, You must want me here to have facilitated this big of a perspective shift.

The Final Countdown

Four. Four more days left at my current job. How in the world?? What the heck?? God does things fast when he wants them done, that’s for sure. It also seems like everything else in my life is changing concurrently. I head a phrase recently that has really stuck with me. Rather than asking God to bless what I am doing, I should be keeping my eyes open and doing what He is blessing. Now that he has taken the lead, I have never been on a more amazing ride. It all seemed to start when I stopped over thinking everything. That seems to be a recurring theme. 

As much as I am itching to start this season of excitement, I can’t ignore the conclusion to a pretty amazing chapter. Target 855/1439/855/179/855 has had its ups and downs. I have met some really cool people. Some people who love God. Some people whose character reflects His and makes work worth going to. I know I will be as blessed at this new job. 

I feel like God has said, “You have handled what I have given you well, go forth and prosper”. However, he is also saying, “Now that I have upped the anty, you must up your integrity.” It’s not small peanuts anymore. I can’t exactly get away with little things anymore. I shouldn’t have been anyways. Well, now all eyes will be on me and, in turn, it’s my responsibility to possess integrity of heart, as Pastor Zane would put it. There is going to be more opportunity with responsibility, finances, and relationships. If I am obedient, I will be hanging onto His coattails as he draws me up in life. 

The countdown is also coming to deal with life at church. I have nothing but love for the Rock Church. However, God won’t take it off my heart to get involved closer to home. The transition is over. Pull in the reigns. I know I am not plugged in as I should be, and I can’t fathom a life where that sort of plugged-in-ness is logistically feasible. I held on to the Rock while everything else was up in the air. It’s time to stop making excuses. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not waiting for anything. Life is now. 

Fortunately, a transition is occurring right before my eyes. I can’t cop out and wait for it to happen. I have to play my part. It’s all coming together. The final countdown.

Now let’s close this chapter and have a blast in Chicago! The moments of 2012 are realizing!

Things ARE Happening

I know it’s only been a month…. Wow… it’s only been a month, but I feel like a follow up to the vision is necessary. 

Step one: presentation – Check. I can present going out. I’ve updated the wardrobe a bit, and I’m definitely more confident in my overall presence. A lot of this was internal, only to be spruced up by a few external elements. I’m sure more will follow once I bring home the bacon. Time to burn some trashed red and khaki.  Why you ask??

Step two: job – CHECK!!!!! God has answered the previous posts question very quickly. Don’t move back to Phoenix. How does He tell me that, you ask? Ok, maybe you didn’t ask, but I will tell you anyways. He opened up every door possible to land a sweet job here in Tucson. Not just a job, a career. This is too good to pass up. All the signs are there. I always knew I would be released from my current job without having to sever ties. He told me that during the first remodel. I just had a hard time listening, or wanting to accept the waiting. Well, if having your store manager encouragingly say “I hope you get that position” and getting it the next day isn’t a release, I don’t know what is. 

I’m going to have to get a little dressed up for this. I am excited to go to work. I am excited to learn. I am confident I will own this. I am confident I will soar beyond this. However, this step is entirely necessary and I couldn’t be more ready to tackle this. 

Steps three and four: home – The first big step has been made. Knowing which location I will be calling home. Up until now, I have been reluctant to put down roots anywhere. Mentally, I am far more settled, so I can now reflect that through the rest of my life naturally.  Time to start saving up for a house. 

Step five: relationships – AWESOME!! I have been hanging out with friends and dong stuff almost every weekend, if not every day. Recovery is getting hard! Regardless if it is here or Phoenix, it’s been happening. I’ve found people! Let me stop trying to put my social life in a box and look at everything I have. Whether or not this lifestyle can go on forever or not is to be determined, but it’s going just fine now. It’s time to stop planning 18,000 steps ahead. Gosh, Nate!! All I know is February is filling up fast! 

Life is grand. Praise God!

Overthink This

So I have been pondering my own theories. I was nervous that I was going on a rampage of self satisfaction at all costs. This quickly leads to a materialistic view of life and a whole lot of debt. 

This is the exact opposite of another theory I have been fed time and time again. That theory is just wait on the Lord. Indefinitely....

In a moment of clarity, I have come to this conclusion:

Wait – be patient – but also be proactive.

Make your life happen – but be content until it does.

I will piggy back on some wise words given to me recently. God can’t steer a parked car. I have found that once I got moving, God let me know if it’s the right direction. If I am moving and resistance continues to occur, it’s probably a sign that it’s not right. However, you can’t know this until you get out there and try. 

If nothing gets in the way, including His word, it’s probably just fine. Period. God wants us to be happy. Stop thinking and be happy!!

My Weekend in Phoenix

Last weekend in Phoenix was the best weekend I have had in a very very long time. I was OUT. The vision I cast just a few short weeks ago came to reality. 

Now Lord, I seek confirmation to the question I never thought I would ask. Do I move back to Phoenix? Phoenix was exciting. People in Phoenix wanted to go out. People in Phoenix got together for dinner last minute and didn’t think a thing of it. People talked over dinner. People in Phoenix got up and danced.  This made me realize that the people I am looking for ARE out there. 

We saw new places. We went. 

I didn’t have time to go on Facebook. I had a project to work on at the house. I used my brain. I had fun. I got stuff done. I accomplished. I was energized. I encouraged others and received encouragement.  

After a few days of reflection, I realized what made this all possible. Nobody over thought anything. I am the king of over thinking EVERYTHING. Somehow the people I seem to have surrounded myself think about everything WAY too much. They rationalize their way out of a good time, a new experience, and adventure. (Side note: Bill Shaw is not to be included in this blanket statement). This is what leads to sitting at home on a Friday night watching reruns and wondering why where your life went. This is a scary thought to me. 

I’m not saying we don’t all need our down time. I know I do. However, when I want to go out, I want to go out. WITH PEOPLE. 

Opportunity in Phoenix seems to abound where I was blind before. Social. Intellectual. Mental. Physical. Relational. 

Here is where the cross check needs to come in. Does spiritual opportunity abound, or am I chasing a hollow, worldly dream. That really is up to me to decide, now that I answer my own question. I ALWAYS have a choice. I have a choice to sin there, or here.  So, if there is no reason not to go, do I go?? Am I released from here??? 

It sure did feel like my life started last weekend. Everything’s just darn alright.