March 6, 2012. 4AM. The phone rings. A call you never want to get.
I just don’t know any more. My focus is gone. My direction is all and is therefore none. I am reconsidering everything from the ground up.
Losing Uncle Mike, Papa 2, has really thrown me for a loop. A loop that I am pretending is not there. I am in a hole. I am sad. I am lonely. Friends are all around and I still stare vacantly into abyss that I am still trying to realize and process. I still can’t comprehend all that has happened since March 6th.
The last thing I feel Papa 2 would want me to do is let this derail from me from all the progress he was so proud of. I miss his hugs. I miss his affirmation and encouragement. I miss being able to share my excitement and growth. I miss his laugh. I miss his jokes and his sick loving torture. I miss watching Two and a Half Men and eating cake. I miss church in the garage.
When I look at my life from the outside, it looks like it is coming together. I have the better job, the better clothes, and lots of other stuff that I had set my mind on achieving. Now that I have it I am not sure what I want. My heart yearns for family.
I am starting to question whether or not I set my mind and efforts on getting everything but what I need the most. I am questioning location which makes me question God which makes me question why I am questioning God.
Distance. I feel distant. Detached. Am I detaching myself? I need to re-assess why I am here and come up with a damn good answer before I put my mind on getting a house. I still think in my mind that I need to keep moving forward here but in my heart the minute I get the out to go to Chicago or Phoenix I am out of here. My heart and my mind are in conflict. This is my dilemma.
What am I scared of? What am I holding on to? What is here?
I felt warmer and fuzzier in the hour in Atlanta with Papa Rick than I have in months or years, if ever, in Tucson. I miss church body. I feel disconnected from the body. I don’t feel welcome in the body I once called church. I am lost. I am wandering and getting into trouble. All I really want is a hug and to cry on someone’s shoulder.
God please help. I am grateful for all that you have blessed me with. I desperately want to regain momentum and continue living out the vision. Buying a house isn’t out of the question. I would love to settle down. I would love to be Uncle Nate to Jenna and Melissa’s new family. I cry for contact. I cry to belong. The few I have are pretty darn great. The few I have are what I am holding on to here.
Help me God to be content and grateful. Help me through this period of feeling like stretch Armstrong. Help me focus and give me purpose when all I want to do is throw in the towel. The vision is still in sight. Please recalibrate it to my own sight instead of looking at it from the outside.
