Another Way

Of late, my paradigm is shifting – I am beginning to ponder big picture changes that would be completely life altering in the way I approach my future as it relates to my career. I am currently in the best and worst job I have ever had in my life. It is best in terms of the pay and stability, but it is the worst in terms of the emotional stress and feelings of purposelessness.

Recently my small group at Elements City Church went through the What On Earth Am I Here For? Study inspired by Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life. Yes, you can mock me all you want for reading that book ten years after the initial craze. It challenged me to think about my purpose and whether or not I am exercising my spiritual gifts in light of my heat, personalities, and abilities. Upon further examination, the clear answer is negative. Can I do my job now successfully? Yes. Do I enjoy the people I work with? Yes. Am I blessed and can I be a blessing in this situation? Yes. I know I have been at this job for a reason, and I have learned immense amount as it relates to the professional realm, my own personality, and God in this season. For that, I am grateful.

I look at the way corporate America operates. We ship boxes 24 hours a day without batting an eye to people who want their items NOW. We never stop – anything – ever. We never stop to pause and reflect. We never stop to rest. We never stop to rest our souls. Vacations come laden with guilt and the fear of what mess you will encounter upon your return. Your hours and life are centered on their operations and their needs. The pay is good enough to survive comfortably, which leads most people to stay. They stay until they break and cannot handle any more.

Until recently, I have felt trapped by the financial safety and security. I have felt that there is no other way to survive. Then I began to take a look around and a step back. Other elements are suffering that are more important. My body is breaking down from the lack of any sort of stability in hours. I am so emotionally drained at the end of the day that I have no energy to invest in the relationships that really matter. I don’t know where I got it in my head that the situation I was in was the only way to be successful and I would ultimately fail if I walked away. God is bigger.

The Purpose Driven Life made me realize that I am not passionate about my current situation. It also made me realize that my desires and interests are healthy and normal, and I should embrace them as a gift from God. My interests and path are NOT to be defined by corporate America, or anyone else for that matter, only God. I also began to realize that just about everyone in my life sustains themselves financially, and they are doing that in a myriad of ways. There ARE other options. I do not have to do something that is going completely against the grain to survive. God wants me to operate WITH His grain.

In an effort to escape over the last year or so, I have been looking for other opportunities. I didn’t realize it in the moment, but God did not open those doors because they were too similar to my current situation and did not foster my passions. I would be in the same place I am now again six months from now. God is calling me to challenge my current paradigm in a bigger way. What if there was a job that was flexible? What if I could work from home part of the time to raise my future family? What if there was a job that paid more than my current job AND used my passions and skills? What if it didn’t pay more but He continued to provide adequately and I was far richer in ways I cannot even imagine?

Would I still have to work hard? Yes. Would there still be difficult times? Yes. Is there potential to mitigate the stress with the joy that I am living out my skills, gifts and passions from God? Yes.

With God, all things are possible, and those items listed above are NOT impossible. The thoughts that I can’t do that, or don’t deserve it, or it doesn’t exist are lies. If that is truly my heart, God will make away. However, I can’t go toward that until I let down the fear keeping me from taking the step away from my current situation. God keeps telling me I need to give up something good to get something better. It is so extremely hard to let go of what is good and safe. This is not trusting that God has my best interests are heart. Did I need to learn contentment and trust in my current situation? Absolutely. Does that mean I need to let my current situation prohibit me from doing something I am passionate about? Absolutely not.

I recently have complete peace about stepping away from my current employer in the very near future. This, however, would be the first time that I am ending a job without a natural separation such as a contract end, promotion, or relocation. There is a natural amount of angst in the immediate sphere about leaving my team and the stability. However, there is peace about working toward a greater goal and living out God’s purpose for my life. Is another opportunity in the works? Yes. Does this opportunity have a lot of unknowns and risk that are scarier than the comfort of my current situation? Yes. Does this opportunity have the potential to be all of the above and more if I just trust God? Yes. That’s the kicker. Trusting something I cannot see has never been a strong suit for this process driven, experiential learner. God is still nudging me to go for it. Is this immediate opportunity the right one? Maybe yes, maybe no. Is He telling me to continue to step out on faith no matter what it takes until I am fully living for Him? Yes.

Years ago, God outlined a very clear career path for me that I had almost forgotten about completely in the midst of my current chaos. It was a three part equation to the ultimate end goal of using my communications and architecture skills to flip homes and revitalize neighborhoods and lives in a multi-faceted way. The idea was obscure, immense, and easily dismissed due to the magnitude of the situation. However, God did not say this would happen overnight. Who am I to define His timing and give up on something He told me to do? This opportunity could easily be part two. My current job, in hindsight, was a slightly less conventional part one. The fact that I started the process for part two effortlessly, almost accidentally, only to get the most positive response from an employer I have ever received shows me God may just have His hand in this.

The last year or two in Tucson has also put another call in my heart. This call is to live in a close knit, geographically condensed community where I spend less time driving and more time embracing relationships. While I enjoy my current life dearly, it is not sustainable. It is time to cut some unnecessary parts out to make room for things that matter. The opportunity has that potential in a city I immediately felt at home in. The best part is perhaps the fact that I would be a mere seventy miles or less from the family I have always longed to be near, even if only for a season. This call has been on my life as long as I can remember. Will it be extremely difficult to leave a great church family only to enter into a world full of strangers? Absolutely. Is it possible that God has a family waiting to receive me that I am not even aware of? Without a doubt.  

While this is all still rather preliminary, the overall plan is rather accelerated. I could potentially have to make a lot of significant decisions and have a lot of crucial, potentially difficult conversations in a short period of time. Most definitely, I will have to learn a lot of new information while in a thoroughly exhausted state of mind. I trust that God will sustain me through this time if it is His will.

I pray for clarity in the coming weeks as doors continue to open or begin to close.  God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

The Vision Lives On

Well it’s about time for an update to progress of “Visionary”. A whole heck of a lot has happened since March so I suppose I’ll just take it from the top.

After my last post, I must have found some footing. This footing can’t be anything other than God. He was provided way beyond the scope I could have ever fashioned myself. He definitely heard my prayers once I humbled myself to ask. Life keeps getting better and better. 

I have been truly inspired by living life to the fullest. Uncle Mike, you were a true inspiration. I realized I was completely slapping you in the face by moping around. I want you up there sharing in my joy, not saying, “What the hell are you doing, my boy?” This realization drastically alleviated the grieving process. In a back ass ward way, the grief turned to joy, deep joy that roots all the decisions I make. 

I have taken a no-nonsense approach to moving forward in life. If there is a way to make life great, why not take it?? God shed light on a constant state of self-deprivation that was engrained in me. Busting that wall down, I have taken charge of my situation and decided not to wait around. God was clearly opening doors that I wasn’t walking through. Well, it’s time to walk.

God dropped a beautiful new home into my lap when I was least expecting, where I was least expecting it. Every circumstance around my humble new able was so effortless. God had been preparing me financially. God had been preparing the house, the landlord, and my roommate. I am leaving with a blessing, not severance. I am walking into a home that fosters the vision of inclusiveness. People are going to come over. People are going to have fun. I am going to relax. I am going to find peace and quiet. I am going to join forces with a bandwidth of people that used to be out of sight. 

I had the application filled out for Ridge Point. It was signed and ready to deliver. I happened to take a casual look in the Barrio Viejo neighborhood at a house I came across on Craiglist. It was a dump. Something told me to keep walking. That Thursday evening, a small handwritten sign caught my attention. I called on it. Expecting to hear nothing like the last several places, I didn’t put too much stock into this situation. Sure enough, I got a call promptly the next morning and set up a meeting to view that coming Saturday. 

Something else caught my attention - a young professional in a collared shirt and Dockers on a long board riding home from work. That confirmed that this is the place I need to be. These people are the bandwidth I refer to, the bandwidth I to which I been longing to transition. 

I walked into the Barrio row house that morning and immediately felt home. It’s clean. It’s classy. It’s lush and quaint. It took all of my self control not to sign the lease before seeing the rest of the place. Knowing I needed God’s partnership, I walked away. If it was still there once I had Aaron’s blessing, it was from God. I went back not 4 hours later with even more joy and excitement. Michael invited me in for a second viewing and sensed God yelling, “Don’t pass this up, you fool, this is from Me.” Locked and loaded, I filled out the application. The rest is history. 

I am so stoked to move. It’s all coming into place. I am meeting people to invite over. I have great new friends and even stronger relationships with the old. Who knows how much longer I will be in Tucson, but there is absolutely no reason this time in life shouldn’t be amazing! Time to rock and roll!

Days of Late

March 6, 2012. 4AM. The phone rings. A call you never want to get. 

I just don’t know any more. My focus is gone. My direction is all and is therefore none. I am reconsidering everything from the ground up. 

Losing Uncle Mike, Papa 2, has really thrown me for a loop. A loop that I am pretending is not there. I am in a hole. I am sad. I am lonely. Friends are all around and I still stare vacantly into abyss that I am still trying to realize and process. I still can’t comprehend all that has happened since March 6^th. 

The last thing I feel Papa 2 would want me to do is let this derail from me from all the progress he was so proud of. I miss his hugs. I miss his affirmation and encouragement. I miss being able to share my excitement and growth. I miss his laugh. I miss his jokes and his sick loving torture. I miss watching Two and a Half Men and eating cake. I miss church in the garage. 

When I look at my life from the outside, it looks like it is coming together. I have the better job, the better clothes, and lots of other stuff that I had set my mind on achieving. Now that I have it I am not sure what I want. My heart yearns for family. 

I am starting to question whether or not I set my mind and efforts on getting everything but what I need the most. I am questioning location which makes me question God which makes me question why I am questioning God. 

Distance. I feel distant. Detached. Am I detaching myself? I need to re-assess why I am here and come up with a damn good answer before I put my mind on getting a house. I still think in my mind that I need to keep moving forward here but in my heart the minute I get the out to go to Chicago or Phoenix I am out of here. My heart and my mind are in conflict. This is my dilemma. 

What am I scared of? What am I holding on to? What is here?

I felt warmer and fuzzier in the hour in Atlanta with Papa Rick than I have in months or years, if ever, in Tucson.  I miss church body. I feel disconnected from the body. I don’t feel welcome in the body I once called church. I am lost. I am wandering and getting into trouble. All I really want is a hug and to cry on someone’s shoulder. 

God please help. I am grateful for all that you have blessed me with. I desperately want to regain momentum and continue living out the vision. Buying a house isn’t out of the question. I would love to settle down. I would love to be Uncle Nate to Jenna and Melissa’s new family. I cry for contact. I cry to belong. The few I have are pretty darn great. The few I have are what I am holding on to here.   

Help me God to be content and grateful. Help me through this period of feeling like stretch Armstrong. Help me focus and give me purpose when all I want to do is throw in the towel. The vision is still in sight. Please recalibrate it to my own sight instead of looking at it from the outside.

The Final Hours

Tis a glorious end to my career at Target 855. I am sad to leave the people, and even a little sad to leave the work. Cosmetics looks damn good. I almost cried today. I wonder if I will cry tomorrow. When did I become such a a sap? Over Target?

I’ve worked with some really great people. The winds of change are in the air. Everyone seems to be parting ways at the same time, confirming that it’s time for me to move. This is so natural. I’ve been released. Like Ben said… NEVER LOOK BACK. 

 

I haven’t been so excited to go on vacation since I was a little kid. I get to play. People don’t play enough. I get to see shiny cars and go to the big city. Why don't people not play more? Why do they talk themselves out of playing? Work is great, but work is not life. 

I’ve had restless nights overcome by the excitement that my life is filled with. I jump and scream and sing and shout. I have the best family!! I will be in Chicago in 36 hours!! YAYYYY!!!!!

I’m not even nervous about the new position. I’m going to learn this and own this and rock this. 

I have learned to live, and that’s more important than any job.

Shift

There was a point in time that I am trying to pinpoint. For the longest time I felt like I was going through Tucson as an observer. Everything was not as it should be relative to what I grew up with. Phoenix had always been my benchmark, so therefore; everything was relatively foreign.

Then a shift occurred. Tucson has become natural. I feel like I know the intricacies of Tucson and don’t look at it like a tourist. I can give you first had experiential information about this place. At some point, it became the new standard. Nothing looks weird. I must have come to accept this place for what it is, for better or for worse. 

Dammit Tucson, you got a hold of me. I wasn’t one of those you let escape after school to move on to something glitzier and more glamorous. I aspired to the big city. Chicago. Phoenix. Anywhere but here. Well… this became home. God, You must want me here to have facilitated this big of a perspective shift.

The Final Countdown

Four. Four more days left at my current job. How in the world?? What the heck?? God does things fast when he wants them done, that’s for sure. It also seems like everything else in my life is changing concurrently. I head a phrase recently that has really stuck with me. Rather than asking God to bless what I am doing, I should be keeping my eyes open and doing what He is blessing. Now that he has taken the lead, I have never been on a more amazing ride. It all seemed to start when I stopped over thinking everything. That seems to be a recurring theme. 

As much as I am itching to start this season of excitement, I can’t ignore the conclusion to a pretty amazing chapter. Target 855/1439/855/179/855 has had its ups and downs. I have met some really cool people. Some people who love God. Some people whose character reflects His and makes work worth going to. I know I will be as blessed at this new job. 

I feel like God has said, “You have handled what I have given you well, go forth and prosper”. However, he is also saying, “Now that I have upped the anty, you must up your integrity.” It’s not small peanuts anymore. I can’t exactly get away with little things anymore. I shouldn’t have been anyways. Well, now all eyes will be on me and, in turn, it’s my responsibility to possess integrity of heart, as Pastor Zane would put it. There is going to be more opportunity with responsibility, finances, and relationships. If I am obedient, I will be hanging onto His coattails as he draws me up in life. 

The countdown is also coming to deal with life at church. I have nothing but love for the Rock Church. However, God won’t take it off my heart to get involved closer to home. The transition is over. Pull in the reigns. I know I am not plugged in as I should be, and I can’t fathom a life where that sort of plugged-in-ness is logistically feasible. I held on to the Rock while everything else was up in the air. It’s time to stop making excuses. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not waiting for anything. Life is now. 

Fortunately, a transition is occurring right before my eyes. I can’t cop out and wait for it to happen. I have to play my part. It’s all coming together. The final countdown.

Now let’s close this chapter and have a blast in Chicago! The moments of 2012 are realizing!

Things ARE Happening

I know it’s only been a month…. Wow… it’s only been a month, but I feel like a follow up to the vision is necessary. 

Step one: presentation – Check. I can present going out. I’ve updated the wardrobe a bit, and I’m definitely more confident in my overall presence. A lot of this was internal, only to be spruced up by a few external elements. I’m sure more will follow once I bring home the bacon. Time to burn some trashed red and khaki.  Why you ask??

Step two: job – CHECK!!!!! God has answered the previous posts question very quickly. Don’t move back to Phoenix. How does He tell me that, you ask? Ok, maybe you didn’t ask, but I will tell you anyways. He opened up every door possible to land a sweet job here in Tucson. Not just a job, a career. This is too good to pass up. All the signs are there. I always knew I would be released from my current job without having to sever ties. He told me that during the first remodel. I just had a hard time listening, or wanting to accept the waiting. Well, if having your store manager encouragingly say “I hope you get that position” and getting it the next day isn’t a release, I don’t know what is. 

I’m going to have to get a little dressed up for this. I am excited to go to work. I am excited to learn. I am confident I will own this. I am confident I will soar beyond this. However, this step is entirely necessary and I couldn’t be more ready to tackle this. 

Steps three and four: home – The first big step has been made. Knowing which location I will be calling home. Up until now, I have been reluctant to put down roots anywhere. Mentally, I am far more settled, so I can now reflect that through the rest of my life naturally.  Time to start saving up for a house. 

Step five: relationships – AWESOME!! I have been hanging out with friends and dong stuff almost every weekend, if not every day. Recovery is getting hard! Regardless if it is here or Phoenix, it’s been happening. I’ve found people! Let me stop trying to put my social life in a box and look at everything I have. Whether or not this lifestyle can go on forever or not is to be determined, but it’s going just fine now. It’s time to stop planning 18,000 steps ahead. Gosh, Nate!! All I know is February is filling up fast! 

Life is grand. Praise God!